Latest Mistake

[was originally written in the office, 4th of October 2009]

i am in no condition to work right now. not because i feel sick.. we'll, a little.. would a broken heart be included? but because i drank last night. three bottles of san mig light. i know you'd say, "oh c'mon, three bottles and you're drunk?" but for someone like me who haven't tasted a beer for years, i'd say i'd be drunk on the second. and with a pair of pants smelling like shit cause a friend on mine spilled beer on it, that has made going to work worse.

he brightened up my day. he came home from work and his smile was heavenly. i can definitely stare at his face for a long long time. he wasn't aloof when he sat down and ate his dinner. he was actually speaking up and laughing... and that felt really comfortable. however, he had to go to sleep, work had restrained him from joining our booze fest.

before we went to bed, i got to look at him. a sleeping angel indeed. i wanted to touch him, to caress him, to kiss him, but i just can't. apparently his reluctance to go any further with our budding relationship has created a wall that neither his housemate / my friend can break. now i know how the phrase "so close, yet so far" means.

before i left their house for work, i left a gift beside his pillow. it was a teddy bear, with a tear and a handkerchief which says "i miss you." i really wanted an "i'm sorry" bear - however i wasn't able to find one. i guess this must be the nearest.

i sent him a message the moment i arrived at work. saying that i left a gift for him, more like an apology for what happened before. he said he had forgotten it a long time ago. i asked him if we can go out again - a friendly date, perhaps. he said yes, as long as he is free. i do hope it happens.

before i went to their place, i had mandy moore's latest mistake on the loop on my ipod. i decided to change it to jordin sparks' one step at a time...

[i guess changing it to jordin's one step at a time was my latest mistake after all...]

I Love, You Love...

When I got to listen to this song, I felt connected to it. Something in the words that John Legend wrote made me set my minds into deep thoughts.

In a failing relationship, or a relationship nearing its unfortunate end, there are always two sides - one who is willing to let go, and someone who doesn't or let's say "can't let go." And as most of you won't agree, it will always be the latter whose on the losing game. They are the people who tends to get hurt the most, who probably cries the most and will probably be the ones who will move on the longest.

Would this be good enough to say that the losing side have loved more than the other one?

Consider me biased, but I would say "yes." Although not all the time, but MOST of the time. Consider this logic (or if it even makes logic at all), if the other side has loved as much as the losing side, would they even have doubts of letting go. Love isn't a "maybe" or "i'll think about it." It is either a concrete YES or a concrete NO. Those are the only options. The former may have loved the latter but for sure it is the latter that have love the most.

Most of you would think I am stupid. Or illogical. Or whatever. That what I am trying to say is just the basic setup.. that love is complicated. But isn't it that the only main thing that binds a relationship is love? Would you have a relationship with someone without love?

What's so hard about the losing side is that they tend to keep the faith. And hope. And hold on. And why would the latter hold on for someone that has let go.. someone that has left them hurting... and grieving.. Isn't the pain enough for them to let go? Does the pain brought to them give them justice? Or maybe, just maybe, at an unknown and unexpected spur of a moment - something will happen - a twist of fate, a miracle in the sky or a rainbow after the storm. But in the end, all they get are failed expectations, false hopes and deeper feeling of pain, only to realize that their love story isn't like fairytales and love stories and life has indeed played unfair to them. And they simply have no choice but to accept it, cry it out and move on, hoping the next time they take the ride, nobody leaves no one.

But how do we know when to stop? Do you close yourself to the idea of hoping? Or stop when we have been hurt enough, not by the former, but by yourself?

Do you we even hope in the first place?

-1R4P3-

Busy Me...

Julian is busy...

1. Being placed on the hotseat by their Project Manager...

2. Relaxing his neck and head so that he can hold the violin without using his hands...

3. Looking at multitudes of pictures of photographers thinking he can make shots as good as what they have...

4. Trying to make weaves, butterflies, wraps and flowers using socks filled with crumpled paper...

5. Making sure that his crops won't rot, waiters and chefs won't get tired and he gets to attack people who robbed, fought and hit-listed him...

6. Trying to review his physiology, genetics and virology books, despite the fact the he has no use for it... and he has stacks of pocketbooks and mags to finish...

7. And confused organizing his music files into folders, playlists and ensures that every file has an album art and belongs to a playlist.. this is on top of his future downloads...

8. Scouring the web for the best gay independent films...

9. Getting in touch with all of his friends...

10. Making his heart beat again...





and...


Julian is busy..... writing all other things he wanted to busy himself on...

S.A.D.

when you look at your friends with their partners,

you smile and be happy for them,

but at the back of our minds we say,



"Sana Ako Din..."

So many questions....

1. Why is it that everytime I'd try to move on, you'd always call my name back?

2. Why is it that everytime you call my name back, I'd tell myself, "I am not moving on."?

3. Why is it that everytime you don't make a move, I miss you a lot?

4. Why is it that everytime I miss you a lot, I get so paranoid?

5. Why is it that everytime I end up waiting, I turn from patient to bitter?

6. Why is it that everytime I get mad at you, it never shows?

7. Why is it that despite the madness I feel, just one touch from you, and everything I hated about you just disappears?

8. Why is it that I feel hurt but I don't wanna stop the pain?

9. Why do I hate that I love you?

10. Why you?

Seduce Me

Tick!

it all starts with YOU. YOU being single and alone, needs to feel that YOU are loved. cared for. someone to be with. someone to talk to. a friend, but YOU seriously needed more than that.

YOU surfed. signed in to every social networking site YOU know of - pinoyg4m, manjam, dudesnude, downelink, planetromeo, and YOU even still be wishing fabuloush was still up and running, and checked.. stared through pictures and videos made available. YOU logged on to your favorite mirc chatrooms - bi-manila and salsalan - just to find what YOU are looking for.

"hi, just read your profile. i find YOU interesting. blah blah blah. maybe we can chat sometime... here's my YM id.. talk to YOU soon..."

"im looking for someone to chat with. sensible guy here..."

it's taking YOU hours to find one. or perhaps to get a reply. YOU ran out of manjam viewing slots for the day coz YOU are not a premium member. your eyes get sore reading long but useless profiles. YOU get stucked with guys YOU know YOU can never have. YOU open links with pictures of a hot guy but then he is only looking for sex.. a j/o buddy or an SOP...

after a few hours of uneventful searching, YOU finally realize to end the day. maybe tomorrow, luck will finally struck you. but before YOU hit the signout button of one of the networking sites, a pink box shows up and says, "YOU have a message" eager to know who was that guy, YOU clicked on "yes" to read the message..

"hi there. thanks for sending me a message. here's my YM id. i'm online now..."

apparently, luck has struck YOU earlier than expected. YOU immediately opened up your YM messenger and added him up. and ping. YOU are now talking to each other. a smooth conversation comes between the both of YOU. YOU talk about anything under the sun, the basics, the usual NASLs and just everything "discussable.." unfortunately, one has to go. and it wasn't you. YOU certainly hoped that the conversation wouldn't end even if work was waiting for YOU the next day.

"can i have your number?"

YOU, without hesitations gave your number.. hoping he'd give YOU a ring or something.. and then there was goodbye. YOU never got the chance to get his number. your work has paid off. YOU are gonna be sleeping soundly and with a smile tonight. but before the bed bugs started to bite, YOU feel your cellphone vibrating. it was him. it was just a number, but YOU certainly know it was him. your instinct never failed you.

the conversation continued. its like the night would never end. YOU were finishing each other's sentences and filling up each others interests. the guy decided it was better off done over the phone, so he asks for your home phone. "message sent" then your landline starts ringing.

after realizing that YOU really needed to end the day, coz it was actually starting, there goes the long goodbye. YOU feel the chills on your spine, YOU feel the goosebumps and YOU noticed that your heart quite skipped a beat.

the next day YOU started the morning wth happiness and eagerness. YOU pick up your phone. checked for new messages. ignored every message until YOU find his. and there it was. YOU felt so happy he never forgot YOU. YOU read his message over and over again. mumbling. and smiling. your like one anime character with hearts on his eyes and superblushy cheeks. YOU cant concentrate coz YOU are thinking of him. YOU been caught staring at your computer screen but YOU say "what the heck!"

after a few exchange of SMSs YOU realize he wasn't replying anymore. YOU tell yourself that he might just be busy. he might just be doing something else. or perhaps, he must have run out of battery power. YOU decide to let this pass. a few hours later, YOU decided to send him a message. eagerly waited for a reply, but again. no respone. YOU again tell yourself reasons. be patient. YOU end the day no getting any message from him. YOU feel sad. YOU feel lonely. YOU start to lose patiience.

YOU tried to reach out through his social networking account. YOU send him message. gentle messages. "how are you?" "why haven't YOU replied?" "are YOU busy?" he's not online. maybe he'll reply the moment he gets it. again, YOU tried to make patience a virtue. YOU sent him a bunch of undemanding SMSs. still no reply. YOU tried to call him through his phone - busy tone.

another day has passed, YOU checked on your account - no replies. YOU tried to call him, no answer. YOU start to become a ticking bomb, yet YOU realize that was not gonna help. so YOU try to think. to reason out his actions. maybe he lost his phone. maybe he doesnt have phone credits. may his phone was stolen. or maybe he broke his phone. your imagination goes way out of reality to rationalize what's happening.

your patience is over. YOU are mad. but apparently don't have reasons to. YOU send him another set of messages. "why won't YOU talk to me..." "did i do something wrong?" "why have't YOU replied?" "just tell me if YOU don't want me around?" "is it to hard for YOU to reply?" YOU opened your YM and started messaging him the same messages. a few minutes later, he gets online. YOU realize he has read your messages but never replied to them. then his YM ID shows online, YOU started asking him the same questions. YOU have become naughtier. more impatient. and bitter. 30 minutes have passed. a bunch of messages. a bunch of pings and buzzes. no reply. an hour, and YOU still haven't given up. and hour and a half. 2 hours...

"what? im busy"

"so spare me now okay"

YOU felt a drop of water roll down your cheeks. goosebumps started getting back but it wasn't the same as before. YOU realize tonight will be one of your worst nights ever.

it wasn't YOU who was the ticking bomb. it was him. YOU have made him a ticking bomb. YOU realize that it was over. it was never over, cause it never even started...

...some things are just better left unknown...

Love Story (Romeo's Lyrics)

This is just one great version!

"Love Story (Via Romeo)" - Taylor Swift (Reworded by Gabe Bondoc)

We were both young when I first saw you.

I close my eyes and the flashback starts..

.. you're standing there.. on a balcony in summer air.



See the lights, see the party, the ball gowns.

Making my way, I'm moving through the crowd to say "ello.."

Little did you know..



.. that I was Romeo, as I was throwing pebbles..

.. heard your father say "Stay away from Juliet!"

Had to leave you crying on the staircase.. begging me "Please don't go!"

So I said..



Julie I'll take you somewhere we can be alone.

Just be patient.. nothing left to do but run.

You'll be the princess, I'll be the prince..

It's a love story baby say "Yes."



So you sneak out to the garden I'm hiding..

.. we keep quiet cause we're dead if they find me.

Close your eyes.

.. escape this town for a little while.



I was Romeo, you were my Juliet.

Even my father said loving you is not worth it.

Had to leave you on crying on the staircase.. begging me "Please don't go!"

So I said..

Chorus

Julie I'll save you, they'll never come between us!
Just hold on and love is gonna free us!

Don't be afraid, oh we'll make it through this!

It's a love story.. baby just say "Yes."



I'm sure she's tired of waiting.

Swear I'm on my way, just had to work some things out!

I hope her faith's not fading..

.. that was when I met her outskirts of town..

.. and I said..



Julie I apologize, didn't mean to scare you.

Need you more than anything.. I refuse to share you.

Saw it in her eyes, she didn't know what to think..

I knelt to the ground and I pulled out a ring..



And said..

"Marry me Juliet.
You'll never have to be alone.

I love you and that's all that I really know!

I talked to our families, pick out a white dress..

.. it's a love story baby just say "Yes."

'

Cause we were both young when I first saw you.